Several formulations of NVR’s principles exist. The following represents our version:
Non escalating struggle as the way to presence
Maintaining presence is the single most important component of care giving. Escalating responses to child aggression or anxiety weaken presence and non escalatory resistance maintains presence.
All one can ever hope to control is oneself, therefore the key to changing others is by changing oneself.
Time is a parent’s best friend. Avoiding instant reactions makes way for more thoughtful and effective solutions. Empowerment begins in admitting helplessness and renouncing the illusion that something can be done “here and now”, to heal my child, or my authority.
“You don’t have to win, just to persist”: “Your way” is not about winning, but rather about clarity of purpose and persistence.
“It takes a village to raise a child”. Any parental campaign for non-violent self-change should be supported by the family’s organic social network of relatives, friends and where possible even neighbours.
Concreteness and focus
Behavioural goals should be concretely defined and carefully chosen and prioritized. But they are self-goals.
Transparency and publicity
No action should be made behind anyone’s back, whether spouse or child. The rules of privacy do not apply to any act of violence. The social network’s coordinated action and messaging is critical for stabilizing a turbulent child.